Bakit Wala Akong Kwenta

1. Wala akong pakialam sa asawa ko. Sarili ko lang iniisip ko. Hindi ko man lang magawang mag sorry sa asawa ko. Hindi ko siya inaasikaso. Hindi ko siya 
2. Napipilitan lang ako makipag sex sa kanya.
3. Hindi siya ang focus ko.Parating kong inuuna ang ibang bagay. Parati kong inuuna ang ibang tao
4. Hindi ko siya nalalambing. Sa four years, 5, 6 years na magasawa kami, hindi ko man lang siya nilambing, sinuyo.

Ang pinakamahirap na bagay sa lahat, alam mo kung ano? Yung fact na tuwing mag aaway kami, parati akong walang kwenta. Parati akong manhid, malamig, hindi marunong maglambing etc., etc. Hinding hindi ko magagawa yun lalo pa kung badtrip ako. Pero oras na hindi ko magawa yun, wala na akong kwentang tao. Siya pinagmamalaki ako sa ibang tao. Gagawin niya lahat maging masaya ako. Eh ako magagawa ko ba yun? Gagawin ko ba ang lahat maging masaya siya? Magkaiba kami ng perspective sa buhay. Magkaiba kami ng tingin sa mga bagay bagay. Para sa kanya dapat may ginagawa ako to prove na I'm worthy of being his wife. Malay mo I'm actually the one who is driving him to drink, or to do all these things.  Dapat kasi pag nagalit siya lalambingin ko siya. Kailangan magising ko siya dahil hindi niya kayang gumising mag-isa. Dapat inuuna ko siya bago mga kaibigan ko. Dapat kami magspend ng lahat ng oras sa isa't isa. Eh helllooo kung hindi ko naman siya iiwanan, bakit kami hindi magspend ng oras sa isa't isa? Pag may ginawa ako na hindi niya nagustuhan mali nanaman ako. Pag hindi ko siya nagising on time, or pag hindi ko nabili yung inutos niya, kapag hindi ako kumilos agad pag inutusan niya ako, pag hindi ko naipaghanda ng makakain, pag nangako ako ng ganitong oras tapos hindi ako tumupad. Ang dami! Pagod na pagod na akong sumablay. Kung bakit kasi grabe siya umasa na gagawin ko ang mga bagay bagay para sa kanya. Kailangan kusang loob. Eh dun palang, bagsak na ako, panu pa kaya yung ibang expectations niya?? Hindi nga nanggagaling sa loob, panu ko magagawa kung hindi ko naman naisip?

Napapagod na ako. Parang karelasyon ko nanay ko. Ang dami kong pagkukulang. At kahit may gawin man lang ako isa sa mga nabanggit sa taas, kung hindi ko naman magagawa lahat, hindi na ako papasa. 

Pero ang tanong, gusto ko ba? Parang UP lang yan eh. Para makapasa ka sa UP, kailangan maging matalino. Lahat ng preparations gagawin mo sa buhay mo. Kung party girl ka, you will adapt your lifestyle to the study habits required para makapasa sa UP. I guess I didn't want UP as much as my classmates. 

And my lifestyle as a team leader requires me to worry about a bunch of other people. It requires me to think about others, that I don't have time to think about my family. It requires so much energy from me na isa lang ang nasa isip ko: kumita ng pera, makumpleto ang shift ko, etcetera etcetera.  I have learned to become so independent that I don't understand why others like Jon cannot be independent on their own.  I can't understand why they ask for time, time, time. Pressured akong umuwi ng maaga. Harapin ko naman daw ang pamilya. Unahin ko naman daw ang pamilya ko. Unahin ko naman daw asawa ko. Eh yan ang mantra ng mga taong hindi kinakarir ang mga trabaho nila.  Bakit ang ibang TL hindi naman ganyan? Kasi hindi naman kulang ang buhay nila. 

Financially problematic na ako, demanding pa ang asawa ko. Okay sana yung kung hindi demanding ang trabaho ko, di baleng magdemand ang asawa ko. Pero demanding na siya, demanding pa work ko.  Plus, financially problematic pa kami. Yung mga hindi namin dapat pioproblema nagiging problema. Nakakainis pa yung occassional na pag dagdag niya sa sarili niya sa mga aalalahanin. 

Pagod na talaga akong isipin. Pahinga muna.

-sent from Samsung Mobile

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